Shopping List
by TheyDidn'tHaveMyName
Summary: A list of all the things Ianto has to remember when going shopping. And why it's never a good idea to take Jack shopping.


A/N: I got a bit bored and this is the product of it. Janto of course!

Discalimer: If I owned Torchwood or anything to do with the Whoniverse these stories would be shown on TV, what does that tell you?

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Shopping List

1. When you're going to Asda it's only polite to ask if anyone wants anything.

2. When Tosh shouts back she wants batteries you need to ask her to be more specific.

3. When she replies car batteries it's necessary to remind her you meant from Asda.

4. When she replies "Car batteries from Asda will work too," don't bother to explain yourself.

5. When Owen says he doesn't need anything it means that as soon as you have walked out of the main hub he'll remember that actually he does need something.

6. That something is normally ridiculously stupid.

7. When you ask him where the hell are you going to get an electron microscope at 8 o'clock at night resist the urge to punch him when he replies "Asda"

8. When Jack rushes round the corner with his greatcoat flowing behind him do not let the thought of how hot he looks distract you.

9. When Jack is grinning stupidly and asks if he can come shopping be suspicious.

10. When Jack plants a soft kiss on your nose and claims he wants to come shopping because it's about time he did his share of the shopping because it is his flat too after all, don't let that distract you either.

11. Practise your 'Not Agreeing To Let Jack Come Shopping With You While He Distracts You By Being Hot' skills

12. Never take Jack shopping!

13. Do not let Jack anywhere near bananas as you end up with a strange combination of him being sentimental for some reason then him pretending it's a gun and talking about gas-mask zombies.

14. Remember to ask him what gas-mask zombies are when he's not being so weird.

15. Do not let Jack near the biscuit aisle as he spends the time trying to hide packs of biscuits under the bag of potatoes like a five-year old.

16. When Jack disappears for a while it's all right to feel worried because god knows what he's doing but then it's equally all right to not worry as he is a grown up after all. And at least he's bugging someone else.

17. When a carton of orange juice suddenly drops from the sky and explodes all over you it's okay to swear loudly even if you get a funny look from the little old lady nearby.

18. When you realise that you are nowhere near the orange juice shelf you should feel very suspicious.

19. When you hear someone giggling from the next aisle that sounds incredibly like Jack you know your suspicions are confirmed.

20. After a careful glance around the end of the aisle to check Jack's position you can rush back to your trolley and chuck a carton of milk back over to his side.

21. When you hear a soggy explosion and a groan from Jack you can jump up and down giggling like a nutter just because it feels good.

22. Make sure and smile reassuringly at the little old lady who is no doubt very worried by the sight of a strange man soaked in orange juice but is jumping up and down cheering.

23. When Jack manages to score a direct hit to your head with a well aimed apple and you collapse on the ground make sure to look for suitable missiles while you recover.

24. Chuck back a bottle of tomato sauce.

25. Tomato sauce is a very good weapon as it makes a satisfying squelch as it hits Jack.

26. When Jack belts round the corner covered in milk and tomato sauce it is a good idea to scramble up from the ground and run.

27. Nearly knocking over that little old lady while you run away from Jack isn't the wisest move as while trying to dodge her you crash into a stack of bean cans.

28. 17 cans of beans falling on top of you is not a pleasant experience.

29. Especially when you are nearly unconscious yet all Jack does is laugh at you.

30. When Jack eventually does offer to help you back up do not accept his hand as it is covered in tomato sauce and milk meaning you slip back into the cans causing yourself even more pain.

31. When Jack laughs at you again chuck a can of beans at him because that stops him laughing at you and instead means he'll spend a very funny couple of minutes hopping about on one foot swearing.

32. After he stops hopping about and looks ready to kill you, you better start running again

33. Chuck a banana at him because it might help.

34. It doesn't.

35. Remember to tell Jack when he's not a homicidal banana wielding maniac we should be trained in flying banana evasion techniques.

36. Remember to look where you're going.

37. Crashing into a random person's trolley which then decides to take you for a nice ride down the aisle is another one of those less fun experiences.

38. It might be a good idea to begin a campaign to get rid of those big stacks of cans in supermarket aisles since there seems to be a stack of washing machine tablets racing towards you.

39. Attempting to scramble out of a moving shopping trolley is never a good idea as not only does it hurt but it makes you look really stupid and it doesn't work as you still end up crashing into the boxes.

40. Unsurprisingly washing machine tablet boxes hurt almost as much as the cans of beans.

41. As you dash past shelves of sweets try desperately to remember those stupid videos you watched on YouTube.

42. Mentos are on the shelf third up from the ground and are next to the polo mints.

43. Why do the supermarket insist on firstly being very big, and secondly putting the sweets and the fizzy juice so far apart?

44. Being covered in orange juice and the squishy remains of a banana doesn't make it easy to open a bottle of coke.

45. Shove the mentos into the coke and replace the lid VERY quickly.

46. When you fling the bottle at Jack run away and duck.

47. A shelf of lettuces will not protect you from a coke-mentos bomb.

48. It is not a good idea to be rolling about on the floor of Asda covered in orange juice and banana while laughing at your boyfriend because he is covered in fizz when the manager appears looking very angry.

49. It is always a good idea to play along with Jack's story of official Torchwood business involving an invisible alien and that us being covered in food and the shop being near destroyed is a result of the crossfire while making a mental note of how many retcon doses we're going to need.

50. As you kiss Jack as though you have just escaped with your life from a fight with a vicious invisible alien be thankful that since you work at Torchwood you can get away with anything.

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A/N: It's strange I know, but I do rather like reviews, evn ones telling me to hurry up and write something decent. Thanx


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